where's yr heart?

everything u do, use your heart. feel for it. have that flutter. embrace it. love it. live in it. give yr all. every ounce of energy. even if it may hurt in the end.

i know i always choose to run away like a coward. cos i hate to face the harsh reality. but the more i hide the more i realise i'm doing everything wrong.

from now on. i'm gg to use my heart.

sneeze

shi ting is going to genting for some fresh air.

tug of war

the film module class recently discussed a few movies like 'all about my mother' and 'bleu' which explores the idea of freedom and how much one can realli go to obtain that. in the films, the characters are desperately looking for a way to free themselves, from their past or their sexuality, or social norms. but they are constantly held back by the reality. as much as they want to try to escape.

how much is liberty really worth? is it really imposed on u by other pple? or is it just something that pple bring upon themselves? is liberty some all too pompus idea that pple chase after blindly? is there ever true liberation?

i tink it's a tug of war where reality always wins.

doubts

It cripples.

hide and seek

i want to run away. i want to hide.

will i be found?

not making sense

why these sudden bouts of unhappiness?

i ask myself.

no one gives me answers.

i shrug.

only happy when i know there are pple who genuinely accept me the way i am.

the so-ordinary-that-eeks-me kind of me.

can't produce happy vibes by myself anymore.

this place is not for me.

getting lost

Would you want to get lost if everyone else has directions?

breaking down stereotypes

exercise and sleep

Yesterday was the last session of prettytuff. Boy, was it tiring. I thought I was about to collapse halfway through. I have been lazy for the last 2 weeks, not doing any exercise at all. Of course I have all kinds of reasons and excuses. Not feeling well. Meetings. Assignments. TV. Not in the mood. And now I'm aching all over after the super rigorous session.

I tell myself I should be exercising for obvious reasons and it helps me focus in school too. But I just can't get started. In fact, I think I'd rather sleep. To replenish energy. But no matter how much I sleep, I still wake up feeling more lethargic than ever. It's how irritating larrrr.... Exercising is probably the solution.

Or maybe more caffeine will help.

Passenger seat

Driving is just like life.

I like the feeling of being in control of where I want to go. It's not easy. Life, like the road conditions is unpredictable. It requires you to be focused and confident, and to know where you want to go.

And whether you want a passenger beside you on the journey of life. Before I got the license I thought that it feels good to have someone that I can drive around with. Now I realise how much responsiblity it takes to have someone in your life, just like having a passenger in your car. It gives extra pressure to perform better, to make sure that it's a comfortable ride and more importantly, to make sure that the ride is safe.

You'll rather hurt yourself than to hurt others. I know why I stay away from relationships. Because I know the kind of hurt that a relationship brings if it goes wrong. It is a responsibility that I am not confident of. And it makes me want to drive away on my own and only be responsible for myself. One lesser commitment makes life easier.

And being a passenger for so long. I know that I can get off whenever I want to. With no strings attached.

The organiser

I finally got myself an organiser after coming back from US for 4 weeks.

It makes me less nervous. When something crops up for me to do. Whenever I feel like life's getting a little out of control. Whenever I feel like fiddling with something. Whenever I feel like doodling some ugly drawings that don't mean nothing at all.

The pages seem to hold some magic that tranquilize me. It makes me feel good to see that it is filled up with things that I'm supposed to take note. But the 'empty days' are just that. Empty.

I want to be able to take control of my life. But i have to do it through an external object.

The organiser is not the subject here.

transfer of misery

when you feel like talking to someone about something. when you feel like you need a listening ear.

is tt a selfish action? becos it feels like a transfer of misery. i know tt when i talk to someone, the someone will feel the pain that i feel. sometimes i say things tt are insensitive that might be cos of a fit of anger and even more often, pple will wanna help and when there's nothing tt can be done to ease things out, others feel miserable as well. so maybe keeping to myself is the best thing to do.talking things out does make me feel a little better. but shd i be selfish? is it worth tt tiny feeling better? worse still, i jus dun wanna be a listening ear, when i'm feeling like crap myself.

and knowing tt i'm selfish. makes me feel even more sick of myself.

are you sad?

decided to set up a blog. cos i dunno how to adequately say what's going on in my mind. and i dunno who to talk to. and not being able to express myself is driving me crazy.

sch is going into the 5th week. and shi ting is not happy. tired. but i'm not doing much. my brain has been churning and churning...thoughts that make myself feel lousy. nothing productive. nothing substantial. nothing decisive. i hate wat's gg on inside me. there are so many things to do. but i'm not doing it. i jus wan to stare into the air. and not think about anything. not care about anything.

i dun wan to wake up. dun wan to face reality. dun wan to face people. it sucks when no one understands.